I’ve got three Playstations. I don’t know how I ended up with three. Two of them are chipped, one of them ain’t. We used the Ain’t to kick off the sandwich. Here’s a photo of it:

The next thing we had to do to kick off this incredible adventure was to check that we had space on our memory cards.

This is the one we’ll be using. Don’t be saving over our Mary Kate and Ashley’s Winner’s Circle save, eh, readers? Those horses don’t groom themselves.

TIME FOR THE JILL SANDWICH PARTY!

Next thing we had to do was organize an incredible spread. A banquet fit for a King. That’s how TEAM roll.

Check Ryan chillin’ TEAM-style – with a Wii controller lying on a multipack of Monster Munch. And there’s Joanne, just out of shot, with a pizza on her lap. Chicken Tikka, green peppers and jalapenos, if you’re askin’.

Holy SHIT. Never let it be said that Consolevania don’t know how to party! That’s a bag of pakora we got free with the delivery sitting there. And there’s the traditional bottle of cheap Orange Tango. And there’s Ryan’s shoes, that he bought from Tesco. It seems the shoes are designed to look like there’s no laces in them or something. COOL.

I got a Chicken Tikka Masaledar, which is written with a different spelling on the takeaway lid every time I order it. Tonight it’s “Masaleder.” Check the grease all over it! Will any of you throw a Jill Sandwich Party better than this one? DOUBT IT.

Fucking LOOK at it! This was the stage the food was at when we cranked up RESIDENT EVIL on the old PS1, and kicked off the most amazing gaming adventure known to man.

The title screen. All the memories came flooding back. First time I played this was in Kenny’s house. I’d bought it, but was stopping off in his before I went home. We played the first hour or so in stunned silence.

Modern times, and Ryan looks pretty fuckin’ stunned too. He looks pretty fuckin’ somethin’, that’s for sure. That’s an Achari Gosht he’s eating. With a Peshwari Nan, naturally. Whatever he eats, he always tries his best.

It’s all kicking off. The STARS kids are hitting out with the patter. We’ve gone Chris for the first playthrough, as per the rules. Two observations: One - Chris is built like a shick brithouse. Two - The layout of that mansion, folks, is etched into all of our souls.

Check me consulting my soul for the layout of the mansion.

In our part of the playthrough, we encountered this lovely boy:

And the funny thing was, he takes far longer to get up from the floor than we remembered. Chris could have had a shit and read the Guardian in the time it took him to get off his knees.

Anyway, then we dashed back to the entrance of the house, and SAVED.

Which leaves a whole load of game for the rest of you to enjoy!

All that was left to do was to sign a wee menshy on the Strategy Notes at the back of the game’s manual, with our big Doctor Who pen:

And that’s it. Job done. Stage one over.

And then my Ribena ran out!